It’s most likely Long Covid, but it’s anyone’s guess these days
You’ve had 18 months of suspected Long Covid. Long periods of chronic fatigue, followed by some better months but, in those months, you’re constantly getting sick with pharyngitis, tonsillitis, trachea-bronchitis etc. You recover, to then get knocked down by another Long Covid flare up for about ten days. Ten days of chronic fatigue, muscle aches, low fever, I even lost my sense of smell and taste last June.
In the meantime, there’s a WGA strike going on, The Cupid Index is on hold. So, I turn to my SHEEVA London fine jewellery, and start designing new pieces and working with new jewellers who specialise in a very specific diamond cut. Huddling up with my service dog, my Korean teacup Maltese Leo whose tongue is hanging out incessantly. And the runt of the litter Romeo, Mr Grumpy Grouch.
Once you recover from all that, a few weeks later end of last June, you’re feeling unusually exhausted, I was convinced it was my iron. I did some blood tests, and my iron was fine, instead a few of my hormones were out of whack. I was given a six-month supply of DHEA supplements, by July my energy was completely zapped and by August I was crying almost every day. I had also just lost my princess Prada to kidney failure, she was a feisty Maltese puppy from Potters Bar in the UK. I miss her every dam day!
Pre Long Covid I used to still mess about and take Boomerangs of myself, now I’ll only take Boomerangs for work without myself in it
It was my first trip back to Marbella since the beginning of Covid, and instead of making the most of tennis, sport, going out, tanning… I was seeing doctors, endocrinologists, more doctors and doing blood tests and Covid tests every week! In the end, after ruling every possible reason for my fatigue out, the doctor said it was post-viral fatigue. I eventually started to feel better around October time, I then had my fourth Long Covid flare up in November, a throat virus shortly after that, but no continuous chronic fatigue. In January of this year, I had my fifth bout of Long Covid, you know, the usual shit, a sudden onset of chronic fatigue where I’ll be falling asleep at the dinner table, (so very odd for an extreme night owl), followed by muscle aches and a low fever. Again, after this flare up, my menstrual cycle was all over the place like last summer, three periods in the space of four weeks, low DHEA, but everything else fine. Last summer I also had very low progesterone and cortisol, the cortisol went back to normal, as for the progesterone, my gynaecologist was against giving it to me as she said it would make me feel even more tired.
It’s now been about three months I’ve been chronically fatigued, with brain fog, constant muscle aches head to toe, I’ve tried ice cold showers, acupuncture, massage, physiotherapy, vitamin supplements, I’m trying The Glucose Goddess diet, taking as many steps as possible around the house and garden my body will allow me to. I’ve given up taking Ivermectin (an anti-parasitic medication which was initially used for Covid in some countries, I was given it four times but I didn’t feel it did anything), I’ve even given up reading articles as doctors treat patients according to their symptoms and, up to 200 have been reported. My mother and one doctor now say it’s depression, another doctor says Covid has simply aggravated my pre-existing fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, one pain specialist in London said that Covid creates more inflammation in the body, hence my feeling the fibromyalgia more and having more acute pain flare ups, the one in Spain said it’s post viral fatigue… in any case, whatever the hell it is, there’s currently no cure, I can no longer exercise as the littlest amount of exertion, or just a few appointments knock the life out of me. I have to pace myself even more than before, prioritise silly things like washing my hair, whereas before I could train, wash my hair and go to a dinner. Now it’s just, WASH MY HAIR!
For someone who had a good memory and recalled the tiniest of details, I’m now forgetting the most mundane things. I can’t think clearly, I make a crazy number of mistakes, I have become even more clumsy, (I didn’t think it was humanly possible), I fall asleep watching Criminal Minds, (it would never have happened before on copious amounts of Xanax/Valium), I stopped enjoying most things, (I’M DEFINITELY DEPRESSED! And have been since the second Covid fucked me over, but I can hand on my heart say that the symptoms I’m experiencing have NOTHING to do with depression. It’s the other way round, the debilitating symptoms are what’s causing the depression. I’ve gained weight, I can barely socialise with friends, (plus most people stop giving a fuck after a while, and let’s face it, I’ve had an anxiety relapse in 2019, I only just started feeling better summer of 2022, to then be struck down with a bad case of Covid at the end of September that year for two and a half weeks). Technically, I’ve been off the grid since 2019! And as many of my mother’s friends told me on so many different occasions, ‘nobody cares about your problems’. That’s one reason I stopped documenting my mental health and chronic pain journey on social media and turned to blogging/journaling, because those friends... they’re not going to bother reading this stuff. This stuff is way too profound, it’s not superficial crap like posting party photos 24/7, or vacation pictures and acting like life is peachy 24/7/365. That’s just not real life! NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY can possibly be happy all day every day, unless they’re on some amazing happy pills that in my experience DON’T exist.
Post second Covid mood
Absolutely hate taking photos of myself. If someone else is taking photos I’ll either hide/duck or just walk away from the camera!
So here I am, eighteen fucking months later, depressed as shit, frumpy as fuck with jiggling bingo wings and jiggly everything else, making me feel like the most unsexy human/extra-terrestrial alive. My intended liposuction surgery in February went to shits due to a royal clerical error (that’s for another blog), but hey, at least I have my SHEEVA London jewellery, my writing, The Cupid Index, The Cupid Index script in the works and my two crazy but loving fur babies, what the fuck do I have to complain about? Ok so I can’t play tennis, I can’t go to the gym, I can’t do any form of exercise, I can’t wash my hair and socialise on the same day, I have both chronic fatigue and insomnia which make for a perfect storm! I need to lose eight kilograms, wait for a Long Covid cure that may take another few years, oh wait people might think I’m complaining oops… or my mom’s friends might message me again and tell me to only post happy things because nobody cares about the rest. What the fuck do I even care what anyone thinks anymore!
At least a few times a week I need to wash my hair, but it’s either late or and I have barely any energy to do it, or it’s simply that I can’t fathom the idea of using the little energy that I have to do it. And it’s like that for so many things now, preparing the dogs’ food, washing the puppies, answering work emails for my jewellery or book/script. I’ve become the queen of procrastination, and not by choice, but because I simply don’t have the force to do it. I hate it! In the past I’d feel a bit tired but still manage to do a peloton session, or go to tennis, see friends. Now it’s one or the other or nothing at all. And yes, it is really sad, I do feel sad about it, but most people don’t care, and many can’t help.
For those who don’t know the difference between feeling tired and chronic fatigue, I’ll put it in layman terms. Usually, when we are feeling tired, a little rundown, etc, we can take a nap, have a coffee/coke (cola not cocaine), sleep a little earlier, get about eight hours sleep, take a shower, do some gentle exercise such as walking and eventually feel refreshed. When you have persistent chronic fatigue, you can sleep eight hours, 10 hours, 12 hours, 14 hours etc and you’ll still feel physically and mentally drained. You can rest as much as you can on the sofa, avoid any heavy physical exercise, take ten hot/cold showers in a day, drink as much caffeine as your body can handle and you’ll STILL feel exhausted! There’s no end to the fatigue, it goes on and on and on until one day, you wake up and you feel a little less like an alien. If you aren’t going through it, or haven’t gone through it, it’s very hard to fully comprehend what others are having to deal with daily, just like any other invisible illness. One professor tried to blame my symptoms on my anxiety meds, I’d never heard anything more ridiculous. In 2019, I was put on benzodiazepines three times a day for six months, even then I was still able to play tennis, exercise four to five times a week, socialise a little bit, I had more of a life during my anxiety relapse than I’ve had in the last one and a half years.
For anyone unfamiliar with Long Covid, I imagine the symptoms vary person to person, for me it feels like a virus is constantly lingering in my system. Like you have some strange flu nonstop for over a year, and every serology test that’s been done since the last Covid keeps showing that I have a lot a lot a lot of antibodies potentially causing these undesirable symptoms. Again, nobody really knows much about it, it’s all speculative at this point.
As I was saying, on a more serious note, anything that gets in the way of a person’s day to day life, that interferes with daily tasks, is bound to have a negative impact on one’s mental, emotional and physical state, unless they’re jugging down happy juice, they may not even be aware of any changes LOL! Fortunately, I can work from home, I can design my jewellery brand from anywhere, I can write as long as I have my phone or a notepad, I can sell Korean Teacup Puppies as long as there’s WIFI or 5G. Unfortunately, many people have had to stop working altogether, some are completely bed bound, others can do a few things as long as they pace themselves but have had to stop working full time. I do really hope that scientists and doctors can find a cure for millions of people out there, watching their lives pass by them in a flash, desperately trying everything out there under the sun to feel that tiny bit better. For all you guys who feel frustrated, alone, depressed, anxious, lacking emotional support, waiting for a miraculous cure, I feel you! It really truly SUCKS and there’s not a dam thing we can do about it :( I just hope you’re surrounded by supportive friends and family, a little understanding can go a long way. As for me, I just keep being told to take a cold shower and I’ll feel better, or that the symptoms will eventually subside someday, when that’ll be, that’s anyone’s guess :s.
Follow me on social media Sheeva Moshiri and Luxury teacup Puppy for new designs from the SHEEVA London collections, news on The Cupid Index and film script, as well as new Korean teacup Puppy litters.